


I Don't Know If I Am Dying Or Living (Destiel)

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Coping, Dean Isn't Doing Well, Death, Heavy Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Character Death, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide mention, Triggers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4299984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite





	I Don't Know If I Am Dying Or Living (Destiel)

Hello Cas,

I hope you are there somewhere. In heaven. Or wherever you went after screwing me over. I hope you are hearing me. I hope you are seeing the mess you have made. 

I can’t sleep I can’t eat. You fucked me up so badly that everything within me feels broken. I feel like a puppet with torn limbs, hanging with small strings, in the hands of a stranger.

I always knew one day I would find you like that. Not alive. Just laying there on the cold porcelain. I dreamed of it a million times maybe. Woke up crying every damn time. 

I know I always look strong and badass. I know that’s the reason you loved me you know. But you made a man out of me. You put some goddamn love in my heart. You made me feel alive. 

But if this what being alive feels like, I would much rather be dead. 

Like you. 

I am sorry. I couldn’t keep you safe. I couldn’t make you happy like I was supposed to. You see, I’m not good for anything either. 

But goddamnit Cas, I don’t go around killing myself.

Why would you seek perfection in a world that demands failure from every single soul? Why would you risk your everything with a promise of everlasting happiness? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did you do this to me Cas? How could you do this to me?

How could you just leave me all by myself?

Without you I am nothing. Without you I don’t make sense. Without you I am lost. 

You were my meaning my definition. 

Now I don’t mean anything. 

To anyone. 

To anything. 

To myself. 

Now that you are gone what do I do? How do you function when your everything is torn from you? What is left of you when they die?

Do they take things with them when they die?

What do I do instead of going to crappy bars and sleeping with random girls to forget what it felt like to be with you? 

It has been over a year. 

And your scar won’t fade. 

It won’t fucking go away. 

Every time I go outside and see the sky it reminds me of your eyes and how they don’t shine any more. Every time I see something that reminds me of you, my heart just breaks and I can no longer keep it together. 

It’s been so long since you are gone and there is an empty hole inside me where you once used to be. 

I miss you. 

I miss you a lot. 

I thought time would heal me. But just like I failed to fix you, time also failed to put me back together again. 

I quit my job at the music store and left. 

Left our house. 

Left the park we fell in love in. 

I left the city. 

There were too many things that reminded me of you and I couldn’t handle it any more. 

I don’t think you were a coward to quit. 

I think you were brave. 

I think you were brave to let everything go in the hopes of the better. 

I hope you found what you were looking for. 

But I am afraid Cas. 

I am so afraid. 

I want to leave too. But what if there is nothing more to it and it all just ends and I won’t be able to leave mark on this world like I wanted to. 

I am afraid I won’t be able to live any longer because you took everything alive within me.

You left me to myself and I don’t blame you. 

There is nothing to stay. 

There is nothing left for me to stay now that you are gone too. 

I know I can end all of this. 

True. 

And I miss you like hell. 

True. 

And I know my love for you is a favor you can never return since you are dead. 

True. 

Every atom of me misses you and my pain is intact still relevant to this day. 

True. 

But I am afraid. I am a coward. And I am afraid to die without you by my side. 

That’s also true. 

I miss you so much. I miss hearing you sing while you cooked. I miss feeling your two day old stubble against my chin while you slept. I miss the feeling of your knuckles against mine. I miss feeling you. I miss being with you. I miss you. I miss you with everything I have. 

It will be easy to end. 

There is no one looking out for me anyway. 

There is no one fixing the collar of my shirt in the morning. There is no one wiping the milk from over my mouth after breakfast. There is no you. 

So there is no me. 

I hate being alone. And I hate living alone and I simply hate living. 

So I am going to stop my pain and do everyone a favor. I am going to end it all in the hopes of maybe seeing you again. 

I am going to end it all and I hope to see you while life is sucked out of me. 

I hope I see you behind the shadows of my demons. And I hope to see you while I walk into the light. 

I hope there is light for me. 

I hope there was light for you. 

I hope there is light for us. 


End file.
